Hello… and goodbye
I awoke April 29 at 4:50 a.m., thinking of you. How could I not? A sweet throated bird was singing something of a birth announcement. Fourteen years ago at 11:18 a.m. day light savings time, you, Anne Dee Coyle entered the world- I know this because your dad had set his watch to atomic time- we wanted to know the exact moment. It’s a girl! Did you know your grandpa dropped off a bouquet of flowers for you at 5:18 this morning? His headlights glaring into the house like investigative eyes. That’s grandpa. How could I have known that fourteen years ago, when I first said “Hello impetuous one! I love you madly… forever…” that I would wake this day with tears squeaking from my eyes… times are changing. You expertly held the oxygen mask up to your face. My starlet. …wait a minute, Give ME that air!
Fast forward, it is time for goodbye- WAIT, didn’t we just say hello? It’s a girl!! Was it that last batch of chocolate chip cookies that pushed you over the edge? Or my latest question, “Is everything okay?” No one ever told me you would pull away… (yes they did, I just didn’t listen!) Will you be back anytime soon? (Shipoo puppies are warm, but they don’t tell the same stories. They don’t carry the same confident swagger in each and every step. Or bump-set-spike… like you do.)
Did you know that behind my smile, inside my throat, there was a twist of pain when you said, “I WISH I could go to boarding school in England for high school!” I thought, but did not say, “Who will make you macaroni and cheese? Or sweep aside the straggler hairs from your eyes?” Times are changing. There’s a fog in your stare- does this mean you won’t “tell” me what’s in your heart any more? Maybe that’s why I bought you the heart bracelet from Tiffany’s for your birthday this year. Maybe it symbolizes… MY HEART is with you always. Remember…when you said, with stars ejecting from your spirit, ”Do princesses have to wear hiking shoes?” It was a magical moment. There you go again- making my dreams come true. It’s a girl!! I wrote an entire book series… for you. Who else?
You must never know, ever, about the squeaking tears. Choking them back now… I hear that voice again. Remember? It’s that same one that tried to give me advice when you were tiny enough to catch - “she’ll be pulling away…” “No she won’t!” I said then.
“Yes, she will.” “No she won’t.”
“Yes, she will.”
“But…” the voice says, “She’ll be back.”